last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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