I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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