I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
