The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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