i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
