you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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