So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
