he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
