So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
