haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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