I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
