I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
