Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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