I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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