I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
