Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
