i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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