Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
