There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
