That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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