I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
