ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
