dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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