I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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