I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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