does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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