neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
