I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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