just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
