my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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