Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
