Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
