I wish they made helmets for livers.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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