finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
