Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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