totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
