Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
