matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
