I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
