I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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