can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
