Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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