so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
