Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
