my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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