I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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