my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
