dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
