I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
