Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
