Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
