i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
