I just cut my nipple shaving
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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