I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
