life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
