Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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