I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
