wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
