are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
