Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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